My Immortal Commentary
by Para-Lol
Summary: this is exactly like the title says. its my thoughts on My Immortal hope you have fun reading
1. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

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**Hey people I know that there are a ton of these commentaries but I just felt like doing it so enjoy**

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

**I can see why it's a horror run for your life bad grammar is coming this way and its name is….**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

**That explains all of the grammar errors. Dementia means loss of brain function and nothing says Mary sue like three middle names**

And I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)

with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

**Yes because incest is a beautiful thing**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)

**Oh silly me I thought you were "goffik"**

And I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

**Because all wizards shop there! That's where Bellatrix gets Voldemort birthday presents! Duh!**

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining

**It was raining and snowing at the same time OH LEMME SEE**

so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**How ladylike **

Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

**I'm imagining him skipping happily, through the snow and rain, towards Ebony**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

**Awww, he's beginning to get in touch with his inner girl**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**Yep, ditching a guy in the snow and rain how Romantic **

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

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**Hope you enjoyed I'm having fun myself**

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	2. No One Likes Draco

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**Hey people I'm back for more commentary have fun reading**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

**I'm sure that that needs to be fixed**

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

**That's weird. I drink my blood out of cans. *opens can of blood and takes a gulp* Refreshing!**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

**Wow no variety what's so ever **

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

**Wait I thought vampires couldn't blush you know because they had no flowing blood in their veins because they were DEAD!**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

**It was only a question it's not like she was about to stake you **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

**Of course he did because we all know he stalks you**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily

**First that isn't even a word and second your vocabulary is so amazing that I'm speechless**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

**Remind me again but how does a muggle band play in Hogsmeade and what is even more surprising I that Draco knows about it**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

**She doesn't like you Draco she screamed it to the world only a second ago**

I gasped.

**Of course you do because we all know VAMPIRES run out of BREATH**


	3. The Forbidden Forest

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**Hey people here is some more bashing because I'm just that kind bitch**

**Enjoy**

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AN: Stop flaming the story preps, OK? Otherwise fangz to the goffik people for the good reviews)! Fangz again raven! Oh yeah, BTW I don't own this or the lyrics for Good Charlotte

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.

**Merlin its nothing but black for someone as random as you your cloths are pretty predictable**

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets

**Oohhh fishnets**

Then I put on a black leather mini-dress with all this corset stuff on the back and front

**I think you mean lace**

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

**How can you spike hair that goes down to your mid back you'd look like a wannabe punk but your "goffik" remember?**

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists

**Yep going to see my favourite band depresses me too**

I read a depressing book **(twilight)**while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.**(****GC=****Gay****Crabs)**

**The book...was bleeding?**

I painted my nails black and put on TONS

**And she means TONS**

of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

**That didn't stop you before**

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**Probably from a "PREP"**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car

**Yup let's drive a flying car, to Hogsmeade, on a school night, to go see a muggle band doesn't sound illegal AT ALL**

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt

**The hell**

(they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants,

**Skaters and Goths are two different things**

black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot of kewl boys wear it ok!)

**Yep because all guys put junk on their eyes because there "kewl" I mean just look at Draco**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

**So you exclaimed in a depressed voice?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(I****was****surprised****you****didn****'****t****say****hearse)**(the license plate said 666) **(yep****because****he****is****a****Satanist****typical****Slytherin)**

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

**Such role models .Instead of listening to Marilyn Manson, shouldn't you listen to Infected Mushroom?**

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

**But in the emo song it clearly states that emos don't jump around**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)

**My ears are literally bleeding even tough I'm reading**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

**Draco was singing? What the frig **

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

**Wonder why?**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.

**You're not moshing your jumping up and down like a retard. I don't think you would survive a real mosh pit**

Then I caught on

**You're so smartical**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

**Nice save NOT**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

**Yeah because you can do that in a mosh pit**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

**Her face is blonde?**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer

**Yep because the drugs and cigarettes aren't enough **

and asked Benji

**You asked a dog for his autograph?**

and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.**(Again****Gay****Crabs)**

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into **the****whapping****willow?**

…the Forbidden Forest!

**Damn**

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**Hope you enjoyed**

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	4. Doing It In The Forbidden Forest

**WARNING: GRAPHIC (Not really) SEX SCENE!**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY

**Oh okay silly me name change time is it?**

nut mary su OK!

**Yeah okay because a depressed vampire/witch always has every guy falling for her but I can't really say that because the only Harry Hotter character she has actually met is a gay Draco **

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

**He's obviously driving a flying car into the Forbidden Forest while he's on drugs, cigarettes and beer. Yup he's defiantly in his right mind at the moment**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it

**And he fell to his death. I suppose I can understand ,id also commit suicide from spending night with ENOBY/EBONY**

I walked out of it too, curiously

**And also fell to your death, no wait you're a vampire you'll survive DANMIT**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Ah****cursing****the****ultimate****form****of****expressing****love**

"Ebony?" he asked.**I****thought****her****name****was****Enoby?**

**Not dead apparently, yeah well, gravity doesn't always work anyway**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing colour contacts)

**He's just been crying a lot**

Which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore

**See told you he was crying and him looking depressing cheered you up this girl is such a bitch**

And then... suddenly just as I **died**Draco kissed me passionately**.**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

**So you stood against a tree, and he CLIMBED on top of you – defying the laws of gravity AGAIN**

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

**Yep the Forbidden Forest perfect place for making out and taking clothes off**

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time

**Best. Sex. Scene. Ever**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...**I****died**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore!

**What's Dumbledore doing in the forbidden forest? Peado**

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**Hope you enjoyed**

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	5. Dumbledore Swears!

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx **So headache= Dumby swear!**

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!** Okay then this hould be over now then**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily

**Damn I hate being wrong**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted

**Okay who gave Dumbledore Crack?**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face

**Whatever happened to just water coming from your eyes?**

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

**Wow suspense (troll face)**

They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

**Like i said in the previous chapter: Dumbledore is a peado in this story**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall

**.EVER!**

How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

**Watch closely children this is how to avoid getting herpes. Don't do what Draco is doing.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**Wait for it...snape will come through and punish them just wait for it...**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

**Damn snape...you are pussy whipped by a vampire/witch/ Goth girl. And here I thought only gingers had that effect on you.**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

**Draco...is...pussywhipped as well.**

Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.

**That must ride up everywhere**

When I came out...**I died and the story was over.**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,

**Stalker!**

and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

**How the frig did he get in there anyway? The place is warded dammit Tara don't go changing the story.**

We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room

**Please let this be the end!**


	6. Harry Is a Cannibal

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**Okay then I can live my life in peace again then**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple

**You can dye your hair purple with magic smartass.**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk,

**Okay how come no one comments on the fact that she openly drinks blood? And where is she getting the blood anyway?**

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

**Someone thought to add some variety to her cloths for once.**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily i regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

**Who is this idiot?**

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick

**Ahh maybe he is Draco's gay lover**

He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

**DAMN why do you have to take the cool characters' and turn them "goffick"?**

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot

**Why do you compare everybody to these singers that they don't even look like anyway! And since when does harry have an English accent?**

when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

**You said it, not me.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

**Damn why are all the guys here so...sensitive?**

That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

**Okay that's it this needs flaming RIGHT NOW!**

Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

**Vampire: *giggle giggle* I took too many happy pills when I was kidnapped from Canonville~**

Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

**SHOCKER I never knew **

"Really?" he whimpered.

**Harry is such a wimp in this story**

"Yeah." I roared.

**RAWR!**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Draco has AIDS and Herpes

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

**Oh my god Tara can count to ten**

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue

**I agree she isn't, she's a MARY-sue**

ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

**Me: my sue-detector is going crazy. Sue-slayers you know the protocol **

**Sayer #1: yes sir *grabs stack***

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

**Does she know what a Mary-Sue is?**

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door.

**No i think it was because you turned him into a tool and he doesn't like it**

Then…

**You were killed by the nyan-cat **

We started frenching passively

**Will she ever die?**

and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically

**So you won't kiss like ya mean it, but you'll strip like you do…alright then**

He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

**Aw well she just gave Draco herpes and that is why, children, we never read trolls like this**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire!

**I was only kidding when I said that he was Draco's gay lover...**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

**Well I would be too…but it could also be any generic vampire. Or just the word vampire. Way to get your knickers in a twist**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

**Well just in case he doesn't you gave him herpes so it's all G**

put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what

**B!#$*!#**

but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

**Entering potions like a motherfucking ninja**


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